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So, I like this stupid game where I play with people’s names. It probably began right after high school when I took to calling Kasey NutKase. Or BookKase. Or SuitKase.

So freaking hilarious.

For some reason he was never impressed.

Later one of my brothers went out with a girl called Bow. She was from Thailand. I thought it might mean something in Thai but when I asked her “What does Bow mean?” she looked at me like I was mental and replied, “It means ribbon, dumbarse” except the dumbarse part was only implied. You’d think I’d call her Ribbon after that but I thought Bow Thai was funnier. And later, Thai Bow. It’s interchangeable. So awesome. Bowtox was another favourite. Also RainBow.

Then one day she looked at me and said simply “Genocide” and suddenly the game wasn’t funny at all anymore. So I quit.

For like, five minutes. And then I had an inspiration and I called her Bow-hemeth and she had to look that one up.

Then I started on Brad, which was actually way more difficult than I imagined. The best I came up with was Bradminton and he said that was pretty bad. Since I couldn’t expand on his name, I thought I might make variations of it instead:

If Brad was in a boyband, he’d be Braddles McFadden.

If he was Jewish he’d be a Breidel. (I know, that one’s terrible but actually you need to blame his high school friends for it.)

They can’t spell, but you get the point.

If he was Dr Frankenstein he’d be a Brad Scientist.

If he was a motorcycle champion, he’d be Bradentino Rossi.

If he was Russian he’d be Bradimir Hyslov. This one has stuck. Everyone calls him Bradimir. Even American Airlines.

To be honest, I’d forgotten about the game until recently. It was freezing cold and I was shivering as I walked to the train station with my friend. Suddenly he stepped in front of me, acting as a windblock (a pretty poor one, I might add, since it was still bloody cold all around me) …

And he said “I wouldn’t want you to be cryoGen”

Ha!

I bet I’m going to regret sharing this game – but come on – tell me what you’ve got. If you people can come up with things like The Real Barman’s Sewage Duane,  I’ll be impressed. Keep them clean, though. I’m a lady.